About Me

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age: 34 height 5 foot 3 (nearly) starting weight: 230

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Looking forward

So, last blog was not so fluffy

sometimes life just is not fluffy.

I feel like i need some closure in my life

like maybe then the weight will just come off easier?

i know it sounds too good to be true.

I signed up for a cardio kick boxing class at the local community centre. it is every saturday in august from 10:30-11:25

i am not going to lie i am pretty much terrified. I know that sounds silly but i just worry. Can I keep up? will other people look at me? will i be the only fat chick in the class?

WHY DO I CARE?

I am going to go to the class and stand in the back and sweat my fat ass off. end of story!

I am really needing to get doing some type of work out. I know that once i get into it i will feel better and more confident. I took pilates a few years ago and was the same way.

Perhaps i will walk to work today

Sunday, July 25, 2010

haunted by the ghosts of my past the extremely condensed version

this will likely be one of the harder blogs to write.

yes my blog is meant to follow my journey but part of your journey is turning around, looking your past in the face, recognizing how you got where you are today and then turning around and moving on.

i have not done this.

i feel like it is the horror movies when they know something terrible is standing right behind them.

sometimes turning around can be very terrifying.

i am not one to blame other people for who i have become. who i have become is the direct results of actions and choices that i have made in my life. i dont even know where to start

i have turned around but my eyes are still closed tight. ya - im a chicken.

i was born into a religious family. i never knew anything different. however living the life of a pastors daughter is not always as it appears.

sunshine and rainbows and koombyah?

thats bull shit.

i need to appologize now for the rest of this blog. not for what i say but for how brutally honest i am going to be and how raw.

i am not in any way saying every christian home was like mine. but mine was like a war zone. its true. my whole family is fat. my whole family was dysfunctional. emotions can cause people who are utterly miserable to eat.

on with the story (and i am condensing big time)

i do not remember a time in my life where my parents were in love. it was a constant screaming match. words are so terribly powerful. manipulation is like a weapon and actions can hurt more then a punch to the face.

i cannot recall much of my life prior to being in school. i guess i blocked it out. maybe it is better this way?

why is a fathers love, or lack there of so powerful?

going back as far as i can my dad was unemployed for much of my child hood. my mom worked midnight shifts and supported our family. she worked so much that when i woke up from a nightmare (which was every night) i usually called for my dad instead of mommy. she usually worked double shifts 3pm to 7am.

you may think ya so? but let me explain something. while my mom was working her ass off my father was left to watch me and my brother. yes this is common place today, however, he was so wrapped up in himself and what he wanted to do and gods calling on his life that he would often "forget" to feed us. he would send us to bed and then cook for himself. if we got out of bed to ask for something to eat no word of a lie he would lose his shit and scream at terrifying levels that i would often run and hide under my covers (because being the baby my brother always made me go and ask)

there was no happy father daughter bond. my dad used to spank us with a fist. he put my brother in a headlock in a rage and broke his glasses. he used his belt to spank our bare bottoms.

i would still prefer that to the emotional shit he put me through

rewind to the apx age of 11

picture this. world war just broke out in my house. screaming match of shattering proportions. dad gets ready to leave in a rage as he always did.

me: daddy where are you going
dad: im leaving
me: are you coming back?
dad: im going to go drive the van off the bridge
me: grabs his arm dad noooooo
dad: pushes me aside and slams the door
me: rides bike to every bridge in the city to see if i could find him

the park by the beach

there was this park by the beach that i used to go to
they had a swing that looked like it was a boat
i used to lay down in it on my back and swing for hours that way
watching the clouds roll past the tree tops and i would pretend that i was floating away from it all to a land where families loved each other.

fast forward for the sake of your sanity and you get the gist of the childhood i had

high school - missed every music festival every solo at church the christmas play where i had the lead role.

college - i went out of province and he was driving to pick me up. i had not heard from him. when i finally reached him (AT HOME) the night before school let out he told me he wasnt coming. mom had to borrow money for the plane fare home

college graduation - same deal promised to be there and just didnt show up

now i mean none of this to sound like a spoiled brat. my dad favored my brother. he was at everything my brother ever did

after college - went to visit the drop in centre that dad ran. i had taken a photo of my brother and a photo of me in frames to put on his desk when one of his friends walked in. commenting on how good my brother looked and talked about all the things he was involved in.....then picked up my photo and said
friend: who is this?
me: thats me?
friend: and who are you?
me: i am his daughter
friend...........................................I never knew he had a daughter


i never knew he had a daughter

this was the first of several times i heard this.

it never got easier to hear.

i am not going to lie....i just got up from typing this to look for something to eat. feed the pain but you never quench the hunger. there is nothing to munch on so on i type

fast forward to 2004

i was out on my own at this time. dad had remarried. that is another story in itself. dad regularly called my brother and i often found out news through him and ended up calling dad. it was at that time in june that i thought hmm. im going to prove a point here and stop calling dad. i wanted to see how long it took him to realize and call me.

fast forward to christmas 2004. i still had not spoken to my dad and i was at moms house for the day and the phone rang. my brother answered it and was talking to my dad. after a while he said merry christmas too dad and then hung up. i said why did you hang up????? he said well dad didnt ask to talk to you.

fast forward to march 9, 2005

i worked late and came home and turned on the computer to check my email.

from: mom
subject: i dont have your work emergency number

dad had a heart attack he is in the hospital call me

the next day was a whirl wind. i had to call in absent at work and drive with my brother to buffalo (dad and step mom lived in the states)

note to those still reading my dad was an exaggerator. i fully expected to walk in his hospital room to see him sitting there moaning and groaning about the tragic experience he had

we walked to the nurses station and identified ourselves as his children and were pointed down the hall and told the room number.

i walked in first and was not prepared in the slightest for what awaited me.
he was not conscious and when he breathed in his whole body moved to struggle for air and the sound.....i wish i could forget the sound of the rattle that came with his breath. i guess that moment that seemed so long to me was short because we were still walking in the room. i turned around so fast to run out that i banged right into my brother. i said i cant do this. i ran to the nurses station to ask if that was normal.
it was then she told me it was and walked me back to his room while explaining that sometimes he did stop breathing all together. she came in and suctioned his throat and then asked
nurse: do you want tea?
me: no
nurse: coffee?
me: no
nurse: do you want juice?
me: flops down into the nearest chair and beginning to cry I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT

she then told me dont cry or you will make me cry.....news flash this is an icu maybe you are in the wrong line of work

we spent the next several hours talking in his room
when he stopped breathing so did we
then he would breath again and we would continue talking.

i couldnt tell you what we talked about.

after 10 months with no talking this was how it ended. i stood by his bed before we left and i knew once i left i would never see him alive again....if you call that alive

i said bye dad. i love you (i hadnt said that in years and it felt like a foreign language) a single tear rolled down his cheek

the doctor told me he couldnt hear me but i think he did.

his funeral was 10 days later

i carried such guilt. i had been so hurt by him that i stopped talking to him and actually asked god to take him out of my life because that just seemed easier.

i still have some guilt and a lot of regrets.

i still have a sense that i dont deserve goodness

like i have to pay for my mistakes

like i have to hold the guilt.....if i let it go i let him go

if i let it go i let go of any hope of having a relationship

i let go of the dream of him walking me down the isle

of him watching me have kids

of any dream the little girl in me still may have.

so i ate. i ate with the power of the hate and sadness and guilt and remorse and sense of deserving nothing at all

i missed a whole other chapter of trama in my life but i just cant go on anymore about that

i really am trying to condition myself to believe i am worthy

worthy of peoples love and trust

worthy of my own love and trust

worthy to be happy

worthy to take care of myself

worthy to look good feel good and be ok with that

worthy to deserve.

its a journey and thats where it started but this is not where i am going to let it end.

i used to weigh 280 pounds. in january this year i weighed 234.4 i went down to 219 and am back up to 224.5

it is a struggle for me

i started this blog to inspire other with half assed inspiration for myself

so i lay it out there

transparent to you

i need support just as much as you do

i feel like im failing and floundering

and with that i turn back around and try to leave the scary monster behind me




Monday, July 12, 2010

this one's for me

Dear ChubbyChick,

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!
You really need to get off your ass and start moving. Look, I know its a challenge with working evenings to get to a gym......god i know. But there has to be SOMETHING you could do?! I am impressed that this week you attempted to eat better again (I was beginning to worry you were not going to get back on the wagon) But you really do need to stop eating just because you are bored and you stay up way too late.

I know you know all this already but there is a line between blogging and thinking about it and actually EMPOWERING yourself to do it.

you do not need a work out partner
you do not need a cooking or shopping buddy

YOU ARE A GROWN ASS WOMAN! DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF!!

love,
that little nagging voice inside your head
xoxo